Walking through grief

And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.  "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.  "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.  "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.  "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.  "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.  Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:2‭-‬12 ESV

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. 
My pastor's wife who recently lost her adult son has said candidly "everything feels like effort right now."

Oh that resonated.  So much of my life has felt like effort.  So much of my life has been grief worthy. 
As a 7th grade girl my mom miscarried.  Probably not my first experience with grief but I wasn't allowed to talk about it.  She wanted to protect herself but it was damaging for me.   It happened and it wasn't spoken of again.  I named that baby Mackenzie.  It gave my heart peace to name her.  
I mourned in silence and sadness.
And solitude.

I have not named my babies.  Three.   Three little babies....I have such a hard time connecting with them.  My babies....I had three. 
I haven't felt justified in naming them,  like good things like sweet babies aren't for a bad girl like me. 
The girl who married late, who did things her way...who struggled financially but by God's grace we no longer struggle.

Somehow I had believed I had brought this on myself.  I was ashamed of my age,   I was ashamed that I even dared to want to have babies. 

Joyce Monica and Justice....though I may save Justice for a living babe and I need to talk to my husband about that one.