When will it be fun again?

I know life isn't all about fun.   Much of life is a blessing and it is important to remember what God has blessed me with lest I get swallowed up by sadness of current realities.

I think.  A lot.

I think about my family.  I think about where I have  been on my journey with God.   I think about how some experiences have left me feeling depersonalized.
I was shopping tonight.    I am in the middle of my second miscarriage, wait.... I mean my third!  I have yet to feel the full on grief.  This is a missed miscarriage and my body hasn't yet caught up. 
My clothes don't fit.   I have gained close to 30 pounds since I started on this journey of miscarriage.... April 28th 2018.

Shopping hasn't been fun in a while,  if I am honest I have too many people in my head.  Too many judges.   Some where along the way I got lost.  Yes me, I.   Somewhere along the way I learned that I am not acceptable or loved as I am and strove to hide myself.   Fending off insensitive remarks is exhauating.  
Yet where is that girl?  Truth be told others opinions have been worth far too much.  It's getting better but words of affirmation go a long way with me and callous words tear me down.  Like none other. 

I started to pray in store,   Lord please help me!  When is this going to be fun again?  Please show me who I am?    Not what others say I am,  what you say I am...

I walked out with 3 shirts.  Two I want to alter and I am excited to do so.  To make it mine.